Being Jairus

It was Sunday and like any other Sunday, I was in the church attending the mass. I wasn’t too involved with the prayers and the hymns. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t pray much. Life, with all its heaviness, had thrown itself on me, and I was struggling to stand up. In my sub conscious mind, I was trying to seek answers, I was trying to reason why things were the way they were.  I was arguing with the rationality that we often turn to, when confounded. And as usual, it stared back at me, silent, when my ears ached for it to speak. The silence with which rationality defended itself against the barrage of questions I had, spoke for its non-existence, establishing its triviality in matters all important to me.

It’s a thing not to ask, and it is another thing to ask, and not be heard, to question and not be answered. It’s a thing to be ignorant and another thing to be aware of what you want and forced to face a situation where you are think you would never have what u want. Its like seeing yourself through the eyes of a blind man who gets his vision, one day, and as he catches a glimpse of things around him, wonder struck by the marvels of the universe, his vision is seized away. In the “Cold Mountain”, Inman says, “You are mighty calm. Especially for a man that most would say has taken the little end of the horn all his life” to which, the blind man replies, “ It might have been worse had I ever been given a glimpse of the world and then lost it”. When something like this happens, you are forced to reconcile your present with a past that never came and if it indeed did come, it came just to go away. You need to placate mesmerizing hopes and colorful dreams with the realistic grey shades of life.

As I kept traversing through the futility of this whole exercise, feeling disoriented, the sermon started. It was the Gospel of Mark, the chapter on Jairus’s daughter and the woman who touched Jesus’s cloak. Jairus was an official and in those days, officials was treated with high regard and respect, and he was like a king who could order around, have things and luxuries at the snap of his finger. This man had a 12 year old daughter who got seriously ill. He goes to see Jesus, and when he sees him, he throws himself down at Jesus’s feet and begs him earnestly, “My daughter is very ill, please come and lay your hands on her so that she gets well.  After a while some messengers come from Jairus’ house and tell him, “Your daughter has died, why bother the teacher any longer?’ Jesus replies, Don’t be afraid, only believe”. The story goes on further to tell that Jesus goes to his house and when everyone is wailing and crying at the child’s death, he is subjected to ridicule when he says that the child is only sleeping. He then, places his hand on the child and the child comes back to life.

I am not going to write what the priest explained, but as he progressed on the story, I was struck by a sentence that relatively went unnoticed, and it was this “Your daughter has died, why bother the teacher any longer?” The answers lay there, the vivification of the turbulence lay in the mediocrity of those words. I do not intend to bring about any religious sentiments or explanations, I only attempt to probe a bit deeper in to the questions that most of us face at some point in life. When all the doors close and even when u know that when one door closes, several others will open, its hard to convince yourself, to look beyond the door, you always wanted to enter.

Knowledge, awareness, realization, hope….All of this is interlinked. When u become aware of what you want, you ask and when you ask, you ask with a hope of getting what you ask for. And when what you ask, stems from a deeper awareness and self-realization, the materiality of hopes become profound. Very often, we come across situations that look like a dead end, where no stretch or turn looks likely.  Most of us would hope and believe and have positive affirmations of our thoughts and beliefs, but when we find ourselves in situations that contravene the act of hoping, we feel “necessitated" to give up. Rationality exploits the objectivity of hoping and we are forced to act "practically". If I had to draw parallel to the story above, we would be like a Jairus, who believed, who came with a heart full of hope, the only difference being, when faced with a reality (in this case, death) that contradicts the purpose of asking, we would retreat ,self-defeated.  Questions like these would plague us “why did we not have our hopes fulfilled even when we believed”? Why did things go wrong? The how is not important, but the “why” needs to be answered? Else, we would float, like a log, in the shallow river of reasons that cannot be justified by a rational mind.

Finally, realization struck, and strangely, i found my answers in a sentence that appeared no more than a conversational statement. Like a Dan Brown Novel, the mystery revealed itself to me.

You are defeated by your hopes only when you stop hoping, the act of hoping is a constant state of the mind, and when the mind gives up, hope cannot sustain. It takes courage to believe that things that look like it is the end of all, is not really the end after all.

It takes a lot of grit to stand up and say, No matter what, there is still room for hope, no matter how bleak the road of my journey looks to be, someday, i will see the light.

It is about "Being Jairus". He believed, he hoped, and continued to hope, even when death hovered around his daughter. Death of his daughter didn’t deter him, even when the purpose of hoping was to save his daughter from this very "death". Jairus was bold enough to face the news of his daughter's death, bolder not to let death shake his hopes. The story would not have seen the end it saw, had he just left the place, cursing himself, or blaming his ill fortune.

In simple words, the mantra is to believe, have faith and hope even when the intent of hope itself looks defeated.

The universe is complicated and a mortal's desire to unravel it pales in comparison to the intricacy and mystification of the the universe.

I feel hope is nothing short of a miracle. It is about believing something to happen only because you believe. It is not about seeing, or understanding or deciphering, only realizing what you want and how badly you want. It’s about waiting for something to happen in spite of all odds that laugh at your face. It’s being stupid enough to believe something would happen only because you hoped for it to happen. It’s about insanely believing something to happen, against all the laws of rationality, all the probabilities of practicality. It’s about seeing a beginning from an end, a beginning of a rejuvenated, stronger hope, faith and belief.

When I turn away,
Dejected and sad
You are still there, waiting
For me to come back

To collect and unfold
Wonders that you could do
To tell me the tales of the dreams
That I choose to live

For you can work
Only when I allow you to
I am where I want to be
For u walk, my side, as long as I let u be

This is my ode to the greatest miracle of Life.

Words of Love

Love connects, love binds, love becomes the source of living at every point in life

To be born as a human, is indeed a great blessing from the divine. The power of speech which essentially differentiates man from animals is the biggest boon that we have ever received and we could ever ask for. Words speak what our hearts feel, connecting our emotions with our loved ones.

Animals do not possess this divine grace, which has been exclusively showered  upon mankind. Nevertheless, they have a strong powerful sense of attachment. They don’t need words to convey, they can interpret expressions through sounds. Perhaps, if we took time to spare and look around the busy streets of Mumbai, we may not miss to see the bond between stray dogs, homeless cats,  littering kittens…..Of course, theses animals did not attend any nursery or spend long hours in schools, but they have won the biggest battle of life and have known what true happiness….they can understand their mates mind, without the use of a single word….

I distinctly remember when my pet cat Kittu delivered four healthy kittens. I was away in college and my parents gleamed with the news, almost announcing the way a parent would when they have now hav someone to call them an “Ammuma, Appupan”..However, I wasn’t too glad, I loved Kittu too much, and I feared once,  she saw ones like her own, she would become indifferent to the raw, human touch. I was naïve, and in my innocence, I realized I was being selfish not to feel the joy a birth had brought.I remember refusing to see them, always coming up with excuses, but once, when no one was around, I sneaked into the cardboard house, that was her new private home, to find 4 tiny ones, hungrily sucking their mother’s milk with closed eyes.

Days passed by and I started seeing more of the kittens when I was on at home, during my vacations. I was one of the lucky few to witness or should I say experience the excitement, when my kittens first opened their eyes to light, thereafter struggling to keep it steadily open.

But fate had something else in store for my kittens. One by one all kittens passed away. The cause till remains unknown. Several theories were propounded to explain the mysterious phenomenon. Perhaps the kittens were averse to humans, or they might have succumbed to some common illness, or may be the mother didn’t have enough milk to feed all of them , so on. Whatever the reason was, the kittens were dead now, they were no more there, all of them, one by one, had left…….

End of life inherently brought about a huge sadness, but I particularly mourned the death of the 3^rd one ( it was the 3^rd in order of birth that Kittu had given) it was a little brown one, ocean blue eyes, tiny brown feather like hair all over its delicate body. The last few moments of that kitten are etched so deeply in my memory, that my nerves still become numb, to feel the pain only a while later- the pain of losing someone to the cold hands of death. 

That fateful day, the brown one lay breathing heavily, quite a distance away from Kittu, who was busy tending to the others which showed signs of survival. Ocassionally, it let out a groan, may be it was pleading death to show some mercy. Devoid of all strength, it  lay weak its back facing its mother. Just before it breathed its final moments, I saw Kittu running towards it, and the little one somehow felt the presence of its mother, and stretched out its hand. That last, final look shattered me, I saw in those eyes, innocent dreams, longing hopes, that sense of incompleteness that u feel when u leave something half way, knowing you would never complete. Only if it could speak, I know what it would have told, “Mom, I love you, but I have to go”

Today, my house stands quiet, surrounded by lifeless objects around. One can no longer hear the little “meows”, the playful lullabies that we sang turn by turn, to put the kitttens to sleep. But I am glad to be alive, fortunate that I can feel, and choose to tell what I feel and what things mean. I consciously never miss an opportunity to tell people how much I love them. Who knows, life may not give me a second chance to tell those 3 magic words and bid adieu forever.

Tide of Time!

In the border of my dreams, i searched for your expanse
In the shadow of lowly hopes, i scanned for your light

In the realm of confused identities, i dwelled on your role, my life

In you, i found someone, a memory, somewhere, deep buried

To know what it was, would betray the aloofness i hired

To feel what it was, would deny the committal that formed a part

Yet, i was in it, real, close, only a touch away

Walking the forbidden, to hear the familiar name

You stretched out your hand, when troubles pushed me down

Without knowing, you could stand the force, it brought upright

I cherished the small laughs, the drawn out silent talks

Without knowing how long these moments would last

Within the seams of a shapeless now, i splashed, colours, pretty and many

Without knowing, they would mix, a mottle of grey, black, would all that be left

Into the chambers of my unknown vastness, i let u in

Without knowing, i would be lost, once you found your way, of it out

The tide of time, sweeps past, pulls me in

I let go, all i held,  precious or meaningless, i would not know 

Choices lay bare, like the white sands on the nearing shore

Someday, you would realise, i loved, but you lost...........

(Inspired by a book and a heart felt discussion with a friend, no coincidence to my life or any person whatsoever)

The canvas of my life

The canvas intertwine with scintillating light

some pastels of green, others hue of red and white

The mosaic they create with a myriad of delicate shades

Looks like a dreamy silhouette on the canvas of my life

The Red of love pulled the strings of my heart

as i rocketed in its momentary slide

Blue echoed the exuberant laughs

That once reigned as the pride of my life

PInk chimes the bells of my innocent pranks

that vexed my parents and peers to great ranks

White reveals the guarded, mature side

of the peace and serenity that once encircled my life

Green of the times, i hogged the limelight

with my smart persona and sensuous smile

Orange speaks of my rocksteady fortitude

that earned me a hope even when down with solitude

A stranger comes with a brush and paint

and all those beautiful colours daub one by one

The canvas of my life gets incorrigibly stained

Only the Black of sorrow and pain remains...........

El nombre!!!!!! (The name)

You are not my lover, a boyfriend is it, i ask, nay,

May be a brother, may be a friend

But then why do i have to give you a name

You exists as you are, i know you, as you are

You are not a nameless someone, I dont have to call out, 

You hear the hushed tones of my subtle void

In the shade of your presence, seasons come and go

Without a pause, life draws from you, essays of joy

The fringes of a relation is not there, i know i will not fall

The comfort of a distinction is not there, i search no answers

The certanity of an equation is not there, i feel no inhibitions

In the nothingness of ignorance, hides the sense, m one with you

Within the silence of quiditty, I am free to "find" me

Within the randomness of acquaintance, lies the familiarity of "we"

Moments speak like occasions, time flows on

The presence, togetherness, defines the world we call our own

So, then m not really giving you a name

You remain there, no matter what

You are more a name could ever contain

So let me have you close, as were, albeit without a name!!!!!!!

There u come again

You fall, you let your resplendence drop,

There it collects, in the shallow of my hands

And it stocks memories, like a stone that gathers moss

Of times, when i sloshed and splattered, and you tossed up and down,
When i roared with you to see who was stronger among the two
When u grew gloomy and morose, we blew naughty kisses, to thank you
When late comings required no excuse, we could be with you, so long you could be too
When dust and fragrance seized the air, i breathed in the coolness that you brought
Threw away the gear, the raincoats and the boots
Ran up to you, to be embraced by you
When u trickled down my face, and unfurled like a wrap of silk

In your intimate covers, felt the gust of warmth,

You are a wonder, a finite infinite

It is the same ever since, time has long known you

Ye, i know you will go away!!!!!

You shove me, throw me down, yet i will gather, still rise
Your pain may cut my skin, i may plod, yet i will go on
You may blow tight, toss me like i have no life
Ye may be strong, my spirits may wail, yet i will hold on
You are just a spell of time, you are sparse
I will not let you take me, my faith will stand strong
You are no more than the weather, how long can you be
So while you are here, let your conceit rule
You can hurt, ye not mighty to detain me
You cant take possessions, my convictions are only mine
You cant dictate me, wreck my freedom or my choice
I will hope, dream and smile, i know ye will not last long!!!

The beach

We went to a beach, quiet and far

Away from the monotony and mechanics of a fast life

He drove the way, enjoying the music that played

I, gazed in rapture, at the scenic trees that lined our way

Squatting on the shore, with piles of stones and columns of sand, a castle he built

I curiously watched, the baby crabs, following their mothers, one by one

Garnished with sauce and lettuce leaves, a cheese burger i ate

He haggled with the Bhel wala, for masala and puris, his hands gave way

When evening came, he captured the faint orange sun, gracefully dipping down

Listening to the rhythmic ripples, i felt the breeze gently stroking my hair

As the night hurried to close, he came up to me, held my hand

Together we sat, singing and laughing, something bound us, Man and Wife

The tiny, beautiful, flower

On a lonely walk home once, i saw a tiny flower,

Surrounded by wild bushes, and shrubs that grew taller than what it was.

Out of curiosity, i bent down,

My knees prickled, the skin on my hand bruised

That's when i knew how beautiful it was....

I went back, happy and inspired

planted a small garden, several flowers like the one i had seen

Cared for it, like they were my own

Watered and pruned, as if it were my life

Time passed, the flower stood there, unattended, uncared, unknown

Wished, someone would come, just to see it

Days passed, the scorching sun washing out its green

It stood there, unatteded, uncared, unknown.............

One day, a bunch of carefree kids passed that way, giggling like school girls

the most careless of them dropping the ball, smuggled out of their school inventory,

The flower stood there, horror struck, helpless

As the ball happily came rolling, crushing its fragile, pale green arms..........

Later, when i went back, it was no more there

The flower died, just the way it had lived

A dead root lay, like an inscription on a tombstone

A beautiful tiny flower, once stood there,

Unattended, uncared and unknown...............................

(To a lovely person, who inspired me, to pick the pen and write again)